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It is estimated that 3-6% of the US population engages in compulsive sexual behavior to the point of feeling distressed about it (Kuzma & Black, 2008). Given this statistic, it seems likely that either you or someone you know is currently addicted to some sexual behavior. While the emphasis of this article is on overcoming pornography addiction, following the roadmap provided in it can help lead you or a loved one out of most obsessions and compulsions, sexual or otherwise.
At the Thomas Aquinas Psychological Clinic, where I work, people fly in from all over the world to be treated for various sexual addictions. While our specialty is working with those who experience unwanted homosexual compulsions and who are often addicted to “gay” pornography, our therapy model is effective at helping clients break free from any obsession or compulsion.
The information in this article takes our clinical director’s conceptualization of “The Scenario Preceding Homosexual Enactment” (Nicolosi, 2009) and broadens it to encompass all types of pornography addictions and other compulsive behaviors.
Addiction or Willful Choice?
First, it will be important for us to distinguish between an addiction and a willful choice. While we are held accountable for that which we choose with full knowledge and intent, i.e. our willful choices, we are not held accountable for our addictive behaviors because such actions are unwilled.
In healthy behavior, our wills freely choose what is truly good because our intellects see it as good. Likewise, we naturally have an emotional desire to choose what is truly good. In this way, our emotions, intellect, and will are aligned.
In contrast, while an addict’s intellect can rightly grasp that viewing pornography is not spiritually good, there remains an overwhelming desire to do so. Here, the intellect and the emotions are not aligned. Ultimately, the will of the addict loses its freedom to choose according to the intellect as it is overtaken by this powerful desire.
Fr. Brian Mullady, O.P., professor at Holy Apostles College and Seminary, teaches that an alcoholic is not held morally culpable for getting drunk, yet is held accountable for whether or not he or she seeks treatment. Likewise, the pornography addict has a moral obligation to seek treatment.
What’s Possible with Treatment
If you are a pornography addict, you may be surprised to discover that when successfully treated, using our reparative therapy modality, you can:
- Stop viewing pornography
- Significantly reduce your desire to view pornography
- Understand yourself better
- Develop pure, close, and more fulfilling relationships
- Attain a greater sense of self-confidence and peace
- Improve your relationship with God
Even before you begin treatment, you can begin to understand yourself and your condition better by paying attention to how you feel during what we will call “The Preceding Scenario to Pornography Viewing,” which consists of these three moments or ways of feeling:
- The Assertive Stance
- The Gray Zone
- The Shame Moment
The Assertive Stance
In a sense, there are only two ways of feeling or relating: assertive or defensive. We all know what it feels like to be in the assertive stance. It is how we feel when we have a sense of peace and feel competent in our relationships. In the assertive stance, we feel safe, lovable, and acceptable for who we are in the moment. When an addict is firmly in the assertive stance, he or she does not have an intense desire to view pornography.
The Gray Zone
In contrast, when in the defensive stance, we feel weak, powerless, and at the mercy of the ill-treatment of others. Because we feel at least somewhat depressed when we are in this stance, Dr. Nicolosi (2009) refers to it as “The Gray Zone.” It is in this zone that our particular obsessions and compulsions surface and “drive” us to engage in unwanted behaviors. Addicts view pornography out of a desperate attempt to leave the gray zone. Looking at pornography gives the addict a short burst of energy or excitement and even though this titillation is shallow and short-lived, it seems better at the time than the hollow feelings of the grey zone.
The Shame Moment
While it is important for addicts wanting to recover to notice when they are either in the assertive stance or the gray zone, it is imperative to identify how it feels when they are experiencing a “Shame Moment.” This moment is extremely important because it is when addicts cross over from the assertive stance to the gray zone. When our clients are able to identify these moments and do what it takes to quickly reenter the assertive stance, their addictive behaviors cease.
The shame moment typically occurs when another person puts us in a lose-lose situation, i.e. “If I do X, then I lose and if I do Y, then I still lose, and currently these seem to be my only two options.” Often the shame moment leaves us feeling that we are bad, useless, incompetent, worthless, etc., or that our emotions are wrong, bad, inappropriate, or unreasonable. While pornography addiction may increase an addict’s feelings of shame, it is actually true that shame precedes pornography viewing by placing an addict into the gray zone where his or her compulsions intensify and become more attractive.
Once a shame moment is identified, there are four pathways back to the assertive stance:
- Discuss the lose-lose situation with the shamer and ask the shamer to show you that he or she understands, resulting in receiving the affirmation of the shamer
- If the shamer is hardened, then discuss the lose-lose situation with someone who is affirming, such as a good therapist
- Discover the source of your sensitivity to the shaming behavior of others, e.g. realize that your parents constantly shamed you as a child, and grieve that with someone who is affirming, such as a good therapist
- Undergo a process of identifying and challenging your shame-based self statement (SBSS), for example, by asking yourself, “Is it really true that I am worthless?”
Facing your conflict with the shamer during the shame moment and receiving affirmation is most effective, while identifying and challenging the SBSS is the least effective, yet still can help.
Summary
In this article, we have discussed the difference between an addiction and a willful choice. We have identified the two major ways of relating and how shame precedes unwanted sexual compulsions. We focused on the importance of identifying shame moments and looked at ways to reenter the assertive stance. We discovered that if we reenter the assertive stance by adequately addressing shame moments, then the compulsions cease.
Call to Action
One of the best things you can do to fight pornography addiction is to spend time with an affirming person, that is, a person who does not shame you. It is vitally important for addicts and all of us to spend much time emotionally connecting with nonjudgmental, affirming others, i.e. those who show us the gentle love of Jesus. If an affirming person is nowhere to be found, pray and patiently wait for God to introduce one into your life.
Some of the most affirming therapists subscribe to the therapy modalities called “Affirmation Therapy” and “Reparative Therapy.” Those with unwanted compulsions can often benefit not only from face-to-face therapy but also can often be helped via Skype and/or by telephone. It’s advisable to discuss it with a therapist to see if skype or telephone would be appropriate modalities for you.
For those who answer the call to seek treatment, there is much hope. With the help of a therapist, shame can be removed and deep healing can begin. You and/or your loved ones can regain your freedom from unwanted compulsions at last!
References:
Kuzma, J.M. & Black, D.W. (Dec 2008). Epidemiology, prevalence, and natural history of
compulsive sexual behavior. Psychiatric Clinics of North America, 31(4). Philadelphia, PA: W. B. Saunders Company. Retrieved July 16, 2010 from http://www.mdconsult.com/das/article/body/210108316-2/jorg=journal&source=&sp=N&sid=0/N/669118/1.html?issn=.
Mullady, B. (date unknown). Morals and psychology. Portland, OR: Albertus Magnus Media.
Available at www.Rosary-Center.org.
Nicolosi, J.J. (2009). Shame and attachment loss: The practical work of reparative therapy. Downer’s Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press.
Thomas P. Schmierer is in private practice with offices in Riverside and Newport Beach California and is also available via skype and telephone. Visit his profile at: http://www.catholictherapists.com/tschmierer and his website at www.vaticanvalues.com |
