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Nowadays, courses on 'Human Development' teach that we have the ability to remember past experiences in minute detail. We now know that our ability to store memories begins during the first nine months of life. In his book Babies Remember Birth, David Chamberlain, Ph.D., shows that newborns remember the events of their gestation, and that it is even possible for adults to recall the events surrounding their gestation and birth. Whenever memories of experiences like these are stimulated, a flood of feelings can be released. Many of these memories and associated feelings are painful. The memory of painful experiences in turn often lead to regret – a feeling of permanent loss occasioned by the memory of some painful event.
Without the miraculous gift of bi-location, that God gives to saints like Padre Pio or Venerable Mary of Agreda, we cannot be in two places at the same time. Nor can we be “at two times in the same space.” In our ordinary human condition, we move forward in time in a linear and progressive way. Consequently, we cannot recreate one second in time nor erase a single unpleasant experience. We own each past moment of our lives, whether we like it or not – whether those past moments were shaped by our own actions or by the actions of others. We have no more control over the past than we have over the color of our skin, the identity of our parents, the affluence of our families, or what happened to us during most of our early years.
The Regions of Regret
Some have said "I was in the wrong place at the wrong time", or, "I wish that I was born at a different time” but the bare fact remains. What has been done cannot be physically undone. Once an act is realized, that act remains a part of real-time history, never to be erased. In the progressive momentum of time, one's circumstances may change for the better or worse according to one’s opportunities. And even though some original acts that can be rectified by succeeding opportunities, other regrettable acts leave a lasting legacy of shame, self hatred, anger and depression.
These are the regions of regret. "If only I had a second chance", "I wish I could take everything back that I said", "I'm so sorry that I had the abortion; hit my wife; sexually abused my child; have to go to jail because I burglarized a car; ever used drugs; punched my mom; received a sexually transmitted disease because of promiscuous sex at such an early age.” Often times the consequences of an act can follow throughout one's life without relief from emotional pain because one cannot undo what has been done within the limits of linear time and physical distance.
When people lose their ability to focus on the present with hope for the future because of the traumas and failures of the past, they easily become prey to depression and despair. In their self-absorption, hopeless people cannot see God and what He might be doing through the events that they regret. Their anger and even hatred towards others hold them back from looking into the merciful eyes of God.
Thankfully, Jesus is not bound by linear time or physical distance: “Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever.” By his divine-human power, Jesus has borne all of our sorrows. By his divine-human power, Jesus has perfectly atoned for each and every one of our sins. Moreover, Jesus has prepared a perfect life for each of us. As St. Paul wrote in his letter to the Ephesians, “We are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus for good works that He has prepared for us beforehand that we should walk in them” (Ephesians 2:10). Jesus has gone before us to offer the Father all of our sins, washed in his Precious Blood. For this present moment, and for each future present moment of our lives, Jesus has prepared a perfect act of love for us to do together with Him, for the glory of the Father, and for the good of all souls, past, present, and future. Making friends with past losses and regrets by purposefully giving them back to God with Jesus and placing them in his providential hands opens the way to total freedom from the bondage of living in regrets.
A Spiritual Exercise To Attain Freedom from Past Regrets
In the course of my practice, I have discovered a spiritual exercise that can help to bring about this liberation from past regrets. In this article, I will describe this exercise as a testimony to the infinite mercy of Jesus Christ whose redeeming love embraces the past, the present, and the future. If you wish to perform this exercise, you will need to set several hours aside to do so slowly and prayerfully. If you prefer simply to read the exercise, you may. However, all of us, if we search deeply, will find multiple regrets: wishing that we had done this or not done that, sorrowful over what we should have done or didn’t do. Freedom from regret can be achieved by submitting one’s entire past to the Precious Blood of Jesus. This exercise is not the only way to do so, but it is an effective way.
Face Your Regrets
The first step to freedom from past regrets is to describe them in detail. Explain what you regret having lost in terms of past, present, and future opportunities. For example, “My life would have been so much better if I had not been adopted out into this dysfunctional family,” or “If I had worked harder at my grades, I would have been able to go to the school of my choice.” Express your anger at yourself and at others. When you have finished expressing your anger, imagine yourself wrapping your regrets into “a package.” Then visualize yourself going into the Garden of Gethsemene and presenting your package of regrets to Jesus in his agony.
As you present this package of regrets to Jesus, He invites you to kneel down with Him and you hear Him say, “I will make something good of this.” And then you see Jesus do a very strange thing: He takes your package of regrets, and as he places them together with the multitude of regrets already before him in the garden, He pulls you close to Himself and begins to sob uncontrollably. As He sobs, you hear Him pray to His Heavenly Father. He see that these regrets have seriously impeded a healthy trustful relationship between you and your Heavenly Father. His prayer to his Father is filled with compassion on your behalf.
You lean close to hear Him pray: “My dear Father, I know that you will refuse Me nothing. I bring you this child whose heartaches and disappointments have interfered with his ability to love and trust You. Father, he is your child, and I ask that You not hold this against him. He has been blinded by so much sorrow that all he sees is himself and his regrets. He doesn’t see Us and our love for him. Heal the anger in his soul, and by your grace do not let him be dominated by self-loathing, resentments, hostility and unforgiveness towards himself and others.
“Oh merciful and forgiving Father, touch him with the fire of your forgiveness and plunge this fire into the deepest recesses of his being, so that he is moved also to seek out forgiveness from You for those that have harmed him. Remove this bondage of hate and let him no longer be ruled by it. Remove the dismal outlook that he has for his future and fill him with hope and knowledge of Our love for him. Give him all that he needs so that he can receive forgiveness for himself and hold on to Your forgiveness as his most precious gift from You.
“By the power that I have in You, I hereby declare this soul free from the destructive effects of the regrets of his past that he has not been able to let go. I declare him free from the harm that he has done to himself and others, and from the harm that others have done to him. Let healing flow into those who have been wounded by his actions and omissions, and when the time is right let there be reconciliation between them.
“Place your hands over his heart and seal it with a confident faith in your providential care for him. Let him see the regrets that he has clung to so tenaciously as ‘your branding mark’ that will forever bind him to your love for all to see. As surely as the cattleman brands his steer for all to know its ownership, so let it be with him. Even as You have used my wounds of the crucifixion to draw mankind back to You, so let his wounds be joined with Mine, co-mingled with my suffering for the expiation of sin and the conversion of souls. Even as none of my suffering was wasted, do not let one morsel of his suffering go unused for your divine purpose.”
As Jesus prays, you notice that your package of anger and regrets is saturated with his tears and by droplets of the blood from the ‘sweat’ of his brow. Jesus hold on to you even more tightly and concludes, “I thank you for receiving and honoring this prayer on ‘John’s behalf’ even as you receive and honor me.”
The Challenge of the Cross
And now, Jesus looks at you, his eyes burning with love. Those compassionate eyes plead with you to accept forgiveness from the Heavenly Father. And, as the fire of his love penetrates your very soul, you become aware of an eternal request that only you can answer. “Will you accept your regrets as a cross that only you can carry – for the expiation of sin and for the conversion of souls – so that by your intention you can join with Me to help make reparation to the Father and to love Him on behalf of all”?
At this moment you have a choice: “Will you choose to resent these painful experiences, which means fighting against grace and mercy and staying in guilt, grief and despair? Or, will you choose to live with these regrets, which may represent sadness and permanent losses, as your gift to the Trinitarian lover, with the intention of standing in prayer for many?”
Through the example of heroic men and women in the scriptures and throughout history, you know that many have been blessed and saved because of the actions of the few. You instinctively know what your choice at this moment is critical. You hear yourself saying, “I will let this be my cross, and I am resolved to pick up my cross daily and follow you as your disciple. (Let yourself feel the relief that comes with making that choice in faith, and let the power of the Trinitarian Godhead rush through you!)
Now Jesus wants to invite you to join with Him in prayer as He prays for so many who are being held in bondage by their inability to let go of their painful past. You hear yourself say, “I thank you for all this forgiveness that You pour out upon me and upon all souls as freely as torrential waters that fall from the sky and soak the earth. I humbly receive all that You have for me.” And then the strangest sentences come out of your mouth: “This is too much of a gift for me to keep to myself. I implore you, Lord, to let me go with You into every heart that is in need of your forgiveness so that I can speak to them of your abundant love. Let me plead to the Father with You on behalf of all those who need to forgive others and who need to let go of their painful regrets. Let us go quickly so that souls can be reconciled with You and avoid falling deeper into the depths of despair.”
To your surprise, you find yourself filled with compassion for souls who have been in your situation, and in that compassion you feel an urgency to pray for them. You turn to Jesus who is suffering so much over these regrets because they represent a multitude of souls of the whole human family. It seems as if time has stood still as you see Jesus take each bundle of regrets and clutch them to Himself while interceding on each one’s behalf. You see that there are many souls who cannot accept his love and mercy, who will choose to stay in their unforgiveness, regret and despair. And you see that this causes Jesus infinitely more pain and makes Him sweat even more blood.
Throughout your Christian Life, you have asked Jesus to compassionate you for what you have gone through. Now, you find yourself compassionating Jesus for what He has suffered on our behalf. Only love could do this. In your compassion for Jesus, you express your sincere sorrow for ever having doubted Him. You want to apologize to Jesus on behalf of the whole human family, from the first man to the last, for all the times we have not trusted in Him to help us in our moments of crisis. (It was in those times that we trusted more in ourselves and in others. Oh Jesus, forgive our foolishness!) As you continue to compassionate Jesus in all that He suffers, you notice that He is looking somewhat more refreshed. His glance tells you that He is most pleased to have found someone who is willing to spend time consoling Him as He suffers – as He makes reparation to the Father for all the wrongs that have been committed against Him. He sees that you are someone who makes reparation to the Father for all the wrongs that have been committed against Him – someone who will also make reparation to the Heavenly Father for offences committed against Him.
Your words to Jesus as you prepare yourself to leave are filled with gratitude for having freed you from the bondage of regrets.
The Principle of Forgiveness
The principle of forgiveness in cyclical: God wants to forgive, and his infinite mercy flows to us through his son Jesus. Indeed, He wants us to desire His forgiveness. But to desire is not enough. He wants us to accept His love and forgiveness and to forgive all those who have harmed us. But even this is not enough. He also wants us to compassionate Jesus in the sufferings He endured on our behalf so that we will be set free from self-centeredness. Then He wants us to go and spread the message of forgiveness wherever we can. And finally, to complete the cyclical process, He wants us to come before Jesus and then to Him for his merciful love and forgiveness, for ourselves and for the whole human family.
In my experience, it is gratitude to the Trinity that insures permanent healing. Without continuous gratitude, chances are that that the doors of depression and despair will reopen. On the other hand, when one shoulders his burden of past sins and traumas—in union with the sufferings of Christ for the salvation of souls—the Holy Trinity turns the natural consequences of those regrettable acts into a supernatural source of grace. Through our union with the divine-human life of Jesus, this grace benefits not only the one making the sacrifice, but all souls, past, present, and future.
Jim Benefield, LMFT 4551 Moraga Ave. San Diego, CA. 92117
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Originally published in CEDARS OF LEBANON, Newsletter of the John Paul II Institute of Christian Spirituality. June 2001
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